All Despots Must Die: This Summer's Surefire Blockbuster

All Despots Must Die: This Summer's Surefire Blockbuster

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Editor's Note:  The following is a commentary on the current War on Terror and Arab Spring, in the form of a fictionalized screenplay.

TRAILER

In a world where people cannot get too much freedom, where everyone craves the super-fine type of democracy we enjoy in the U.S.A., and where we need oil-rich Arab nations in our back pocket if we want to continue driving an SUV to the 7-Eleven for Slurpees, one man rises up against injustice to bring life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to every man, woman and child on the planet.

ALL DESPOTS MUST DIE. Starring Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton as John Foster Dulles, Dick Cheney as Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Rodney Allen Rippy as Henry Kissinger and featuring millions of demonstrators who know no greater glory than to be tortured on YouTube.

ALL DESPOTS MUST DIE. With a budget of one trillion dollars we don’t have. This Summer. Everywhere.

SCREENPLAY

FADE IN:

INT. WHITE HOUSE BEDROOM – DAY

BARACK OBAMA and MICHELLE OBAMA wake up, YAWN and smile at each other.

MICHELLE
Who are you going to bomb today,
Barack?

BARACK
(sleepy)
I dunno, Al . . . Ali al something,
something. They all sound the same.
People are beginning to lose interest.

MICHELLE
Not everybody has a distinguished
name like yours, Hussein.

BARACK
Why can’t they all be like bin Laden?

MICHELLE
Wasn’t he something?

BARACK
Name recognition, face recognition,
sexy as all get-go. Got Trump off
my back and got me back in the
driver’s seat.

 
EXT. DOWNTOWN TRIPOLI – DAY

Thousands of DEMONSTRATORS face SOLDIERS, teargas canisters EXPLODE, demonstrators flee, only to regroup and claim their territory once again.

INT. GADDAFI’S TENT (LIBYAN DESERT) – DAY

MOAMMAR GADDAFI and his entourage of SIX ROBED MEN sip coffee as bombs and rockets GO OFF outside and attack helicopters ROAR overhead.

MOAMMAR
(shakes fist heavenward)
Sons of dogs, may al Shaytan al
Rajim claim you himself.

A bomb GOES OFF and blows the tent away.

EXT. LIBYAN DESERT – DAY

MOAMMAR GADDAFI and the SIX MEN run for their lives under the blazing sun as helicopters chase and STRAFE them. The six men die in a hail of MACHINE GUN FIRE. Moammar throws himself behind a sand dune and camouflages himself under his flowing, dune-colored robe. The helicopters make a few more low approaches before they fly way. Moammar gets up to his feet and raises his hands to the sky.

MOAMMAR
You will never get me. I am a
proud Berber son of this land,
as the chameleon am I to these
desert sands. I am the Brotherly
Leader and Guide of the Revolution
of Libya. You will never get me.
Never! Never! Never! Phoo on you.

INT. THE OVAL OFFICE – DAY

BARACK OBAMA throws a dart at a dartboard which features the map of the Middle East. The dart hits Yemen.
BARACK
I guess it’s going to be Yemen
today.

Secretary of State JOHN FOSTER DULLES walks in.

BARACK
Hi, John. How’re things?

JOHN
Could be better.

BARACK
(points to easy chair)
Have a seat, relax.

JOHN
Not that seat.

(Barack gives John a puzzled look.)

JOHN (cont’d)
It was on that very chair that
my husband and that hussy---
(sobs)

BARACK
What on earth are you talking
about, John?

JOHN
Never mind. Mother Teresa’s
here to see you.

John leaves and MOTHER TERESA walks in.

MOTHER TERESA
Good morning, Mr. President.

BARACK
Good morning, Mother Teresa.

MOTHER TERESA
I have the solution to your
problem.

BARACK
I’m all ears.

MOTHER TERESA
And then some. In a word,
waterboard them.

BARACK
Am I hearing this from you,
Mother Teresa?
 
HENRY KISSINGER walks in.
HENRY
I couldn’t help but to overhear.
Mother Teresa has a point,
Mr. President. You are going
about this the wrong way.

BARACK
Enlighten me, oh Hank the Great.

HENRY
You’re getting rid of Arab
Pinochets to replace them
with Arab Allendes. It
should be the other way
around.

BARACK
Arabs don’t have many Allendes.

HENRY
Exactly my point.

BARACK
(puzzled)
Is everybody going goofy
around here?

INT. BUNKER – NIGHT

All Arab HEADS OF STATE, including MOAMMAR GADDAFI and the King of Bahrain HAMAD BIN ISA AL KHALIFA sit around a grand conference table.

HAMAD
I think meeting like this is a bad
idea, Moammar.

MOAMMAR
We’ve got to put our heads together
on this.

HAMAD
One bomb and we won’t have any heads.

MOAMMAR
Don’t worry, this bunker’s fifty feet
beneath the desert floor.

HAMAD
Let’s begin, the sooner we get out of
here the better.

MOAMMAR
The first item on the agenda---

A bunker-buster bomb EXPLODES and reduces the bunker to rubble.


INT. WHITE HOUSE BEDROOM – NIGHT
BARACK OBAMA and MICHELLE OBAMA get ready for bed.

BARACK
That’s that. No more war
on terror.

MICHELLE
That’s no fun. You have to have
something to make you live up to
your job description as the Commander
in Chief.

BARACK
Well, we’ll always have China.

FADE OUT.