Shame on You, Dharun Ravi: The Boy who Can’t Say Sorry

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Firstpost.com, Commentary, Sandip Roy, Posted: May 23, 2012

Dharun Ravi finally wept.

But it had nothing to do with Tyler Clementi, his former roommate who jumped off the George Washington bridge.

Ravi’s tears came when his mother told the court how the last couple of years had been a living hell for him.

His smile and bright eyes are gone lamented his mother. For the past 20 months, Ravi, she said, had not gone anywhere to “even grab a sandwich.” “He literally eats only one meal a day as he suppresses his hunger. He has lost more than 25 pounds going through his ordeal,” she said tearfully.

One mother is mourning a dead son. The other mother ended her statement to the judge with this line:

I am hoping and waiting to see Dharun eat as any 20-year-old would.

What kind of misbegotten family values is that?

The benchmark of a good son might be one who relishes his mom’s cooking or was in the Gifted and Talented programme in kindergarten or started computer programming at the age of 15.

But the benchmark of a good human being is also about being able to say sorry. And that is where Dharun Ravi and his family have fallen grievously short. “I heard this jury say, ‘guilty’ 288 times – 24 questions, 12 jurors,” Judge Berman told Ravi. “I haven’t heard you apologise once.”

Berman gave Ravi a second chance to make good. He sentenced him to only 30 days in prison along with a fine, probation and community service. It also means he probably will not get deported. While many were appalled at the slap-on-the-wrist sentence, the judge went out on a limb because he obviously believed that this was more a callous prank gone horribly wrong rather than a full-fledged hate crime for which the law was intended.

When the jurors found Dharun Ravi guilty on all charges I was shocked. I had always had mixed feelings about the case. I could imagine myself in both Ravi and Clementi’s shoes. When the case first broke I had written that it was too easy to cry hate crime. I saw the real culprit as the casual cruelty of the online world where privacy is just another Facebook option.

But I felt equally queasy when the desi community rallied around Dharun Ravi chanting “No jail time for Dharun Ravi” and “Free Dharun Ravi.” “If this kid ends up in jail on Monday my faith will be shaken in this country,” said Sandeep Sharma, Ravi’s father’s business associate.

“It is ironical that the bias law, which was passed by the New Jersey legislature after the infamous ‘dot buster hate crime’ in which an Indian’s life was lost, should be applied to another Indian, who was not charged with causing death to his roommate, Clementi, who committed suicide after Ravi’s spying episode,” community activist Peter Kothari told the media. It was as if bias can only go one way and Indians can only be its victims.

Perhaps that is why even now Ravi cannot find the words to apologise. However he somehow found the words to explain why he did NOT apologise. “Anything I say now would sound rehearsed and empty and nothing I say is going to make people hate me any less,” he told the Star Ledger newspaper. “”Whatever I say will never change the Clementis’ mind about me, or how people see me.”

But Dharun Ravi, it’s not about YOU. You don’t apologise to change people’s minds. You apologise because something you did caused terrible damage, even if unintended, in someone else’s life. You apologise for what you have done, for what has happened. It doesn’t matter if the Clementis accept it or not. A true apology comes without strings attached.

In her emotional recounting of the ‘amazing immigrant story’ of Dharun Ravi from the five year old who barely spoke any English to the “well mannered and self-content” student who entered Rutgers, his mother had this to say about the death of Tyler Clementi:

It is so sad that he chose to end his life early. My heart goes out to the family.

I am sorry but that is just not enough. A public apology matters because it will show that this terrible tragedy actually carried a life lesson for young Ravi, a lesson that has nothing to do with his grades, his social life or his weight. Perhaps in his heart, Dharun Ravi is sorry. But until he says it we can never be sure whether he is only sorry for himself.

Comments

Anonymous

Posted May 23 2012

Sandip Roy is right on. I am shocked by the insensitivity and poor judgment of Ravi and his extended family. He was offered a plea bargain that involved no jail time, only community service. They turned it down in search of a no-blemish acquittal. Then he gets convicted on all 12 counts and yet he expects to go free. The Judge has gone out of the way to give him the lightest punishment and the Judge is understandably getting criticism for doing so. He cannot say sorry to a family who lost a son while his mother is making these huge pleas based on his losing 20 pounds. Maybe Clementi committed suicide for complicated reasons. Even LGBT groups have said so in hopes the Judge would not impose the maximum sentence of 10 years allowed under the law. But Mr. Ravi is not man enough — not human enough – to say sorry for invading Mr. Clementi's privacy and for having contributed to suicide of his former roommate. Ravi's inability to take responsibility for his actions is very sad and a poor reflection on his supporters. Amritjit Singh

Anonymous

Posted May 23 2012

He is GARBAGE and he and his parents are the Poster Family of being blinded by love. Your Monster pushed someone to commit suicide. If I were his mother which Thank God I'm not...I would be so Ashamed and Embarrassed to know that he pushed someone to commit suicide. He needs to do the 2 years like the law proposes and he should be deported. The judge needs to get his priorities straight. Tyler wasn't given a break and neither should that Monster who probably saw himself in Tyler and can't accept himself. Disgusted with the Justice System in New Jersey,

Anonymous

Posted May 23 2012

He is GARBAGE and so are the parents. He and his parents are the Poster Family of being blinded by love for there Monster. Your Monster pushed someone to commit suicide. If I were his mother which Thank God I'm not...I would be so Ashamed and Embarrassed to know that he pushed someone to commit suicide. He needs to do the 2 years like the law proposes and he should be deported. The judge needs to get his priorities straight. Tyler wasn't given a break and neither should that Monster who probably saw himself in Tyler and can't accept himself. Disgusted with the Justice System in New Jersey, Not once have any of them apologized to The Clementi Family. Decent people/folks admit when their child has done a wrong. I just hope that all 3 suffer from the Justice of the land that their American Dream becomes an American Nightmare.

Anonymous

Posted May 24 2012

I DON'T THINK DHARUN RAVI SHOULD APOLOGIZE. Though I think Ravi is very sorry about what Tyler did, and is sorry if Tyler wanted to make some statement to society about Ravi's two days of minor tweets. However Tyler was encouraged by his friends on the internet to take things more seriously and get back at Ravi and others in some way.

Tyler had to expect some comment from people in residence when asking Ravi both on Sunday night and Tuesday night to crash some where else. Suppose Ravi sleeps next door Sunday and one of girls tells her boyfriend, then it happens two nights later, and pretty soon people are passing Tyler in hallway asking when he's going to let Ravi back in. Ravi had to wonder whether Tyler was trying to make a fool of his roommate.

Also did it take the police a few months to find MB? Would you want a virtually unidentifiable older man walking down hallway in freshman dorm with coed students headed to showers etc? After all, Tyler hadn't even met this person before. Talk about security lapse.

Society, many celebrities, several journalists, the prosecutor, and Tyler's family SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO RAVI AND HIS FAMILY for their complete indifference to fairness and general mean-spirited attitudes.

Teenagers commit suicide for many erroneous reasons such as being grounded, bad grades, in copy cat manners such as California teenagers lying down on railroad tracks and several English teenagers from small village who died from hanging.

Anonymous

Posted May 24 2012

Anonymous

Posted May 24 2012

After all this, the answer to a freshman roommate who brings up a complete stranger to have sex with should be "NO, I am not comfortable with this until you talk over your plans with school or licensed therapist who OKs you psychologically for such relationship conduct. Plus with his/her signed note, we talk over the infrequent times this would not pose an inconvenience me. I doubt the therapist will OK total strangers up in dorm halls for this purpose. Just too dangerous on multiple levels, though at least she/he might indicate it doesn't pose a danger to yourself psychologically and is not a prelude to more outrageous conduct such as suicide attempt."

Anonymous

Posted May 24 2012

Anonymous

Posted May 29 2012

Is that all Ravi is interested in...getting on with his own life! Pathetic apology statement and it didn't even address the Clementi family.

Anonymous

Posted Jun 4 2012

This is a great post, Sandip, and I do agree with you. At the same time, the white liberal media made quite a show over him being deported, and thus invoked nativist sentiments. This too is problematic. Rahul K. Gairola

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